Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
So true for me
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
This trial is so absurd 😭
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Friends that check up on you >
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water