me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
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her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.