[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
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I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake