Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
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*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Hot hot hot 🥵
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.