The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
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So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday: