Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.