Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
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“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Meow
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I support this random dude and all his protests
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?