*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!