Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
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God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.