Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
You Might Also Like
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
remember
only for emergencies
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?