I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
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Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
*names my little horse OneTrick*
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy