a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
HELP 馃槶
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I鈥檝e realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
If you鈥檙e going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.