Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
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[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Good morning
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking