One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
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boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.