Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
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[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
How did we not see this back then?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*