A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
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*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away