So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
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The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My dress code is business-casualty.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?