Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 馃槀
You Might Also Like
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic鈥攐mg, yay.
Only short people can save us
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I鈥檓 way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
馃崉 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can鈥檛 answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
She didn鈥檛 believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
wanna know what鈥檚 worse than being cheated on? finding out he鈥檚 trying to cheat but nobody wants him 馃槶
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.