I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
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You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Florida be like…
pelicons
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.