I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
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The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Saw online –
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me: