Dogs should be allowed to drive.
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911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
so this horse walks into a bar
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .