A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
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If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.