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I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Don’t tell me what to do
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then