“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
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There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
That’s not how days work.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.