Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
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When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.