Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
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“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.