One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
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Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
when mom throws a party…
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream