Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
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Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
When I said I liked it rough.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?