I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
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Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
wtf is an acronym
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”