Finally! 😈
You Might Also Like
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
i think we should see other cousins
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*weighs self after shaving
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
fixed it
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.