Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
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Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I think I’m having a stroke
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
the #horror is real!
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?