It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
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Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
never deleting this app.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.