Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.