“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
You Might Also Like
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.