me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
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The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.