If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*