Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
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My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Confused owl: What?!
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
got so much cardio in today
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.