Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
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Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you鈥檙e happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT鈥橲 CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Please do it!
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Don鈥檛 talk to me until I鈥檝e had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I don鈥檛 know I guess I always thought Spock would鈥檝e had more ear hair sorry to get political
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don鈥檛 have any
馃崉 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can鈥檛 answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband鈥檚 toenails on the ground when I wake up
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
reply and i鈥檒l guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping