Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
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I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Lmao 🤣
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
good for her