Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
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In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I need better friends
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM