Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
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My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
my one true gender
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
this isn’t threatening at all