Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
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Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
The Others (2001)
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”