Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
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A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Worst Native American name ever.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.