Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
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ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote