A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
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Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
<- sleeps well with others
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.