Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
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I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.