There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever