[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
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NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.