[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
You Might Also Like
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Salad is the decaf of food.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.