If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
You Might Also Like
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Still a very good boi….
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn鈥檛?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It鈥檚 basically shitty Christmas.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I鈥檓 late. what did I miss?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I鈥檓 really worried about you.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 馃幎
Him: Mom what鈥檚 a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we鈥檙e lovers?
Stranger:馃槼
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I鈥檓 in less] and Easy 馃檪
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I hope it鈥檚 French Onion!
Science memes
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now